*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.