*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
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me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget