me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My wife gives the best headache.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.