*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I don’t make the rules sorry
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon