*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that