*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
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Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.