*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
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If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
These work great until they don’t.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood