*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
You Might Also Like
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.