[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
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9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.