*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
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What’s dopamine is dopayours.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.