*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
congratulations to them
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]