Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
You Might Also Like
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs