According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer