*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks