*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.