@joejwest: [chess tournament] RIVAL: [plays move] ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess! COMMENTATOR: He's won every round this way

@jenstatsky: Hey, pens at the bank: cool it with the chains. You are literally last on my list of things I'd like to steal from a bank.

@T_Bonezzz_: When I'm at a restaurant and see 'secret sauce' on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

@BromanConsul: if you meet a woman under the age of 75 named "Maude" or "Agatha" it's a good bet to check nearby for a time machine

@philmann: I'm the opposite of a bee keeper. I lose bees all the time. I left a hive on the train today. Just accidentally threw a bee at a nun.