*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Single and childfree like Jesus
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m not proud
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids