*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
I want what they have
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The best plant holders?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween