*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Living the best life.. 😊
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
This will never not be funny 😭
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.