Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
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[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Before crowbars crows drank alone
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime