@RealCarrotFacts: Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
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@blood_orphan: I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude's grasp on the English language was, like... twelveuous.
@InternetHippo: Me (bumping into someone): Oh no, I’m sorry. Sorry. So very sorry Talent scout for brand’s social media job: Young man, what’s your name
@theshantilly: I always try to compliment people, even if it's just, "Wow, I've never seen clothes worn like that before." or "You have a dope overbite."