@RealCarrotFacts: Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
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@DaddyJew: Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music C: what song? M: I'd rather not say C: what song?!? M: I saw the sign
@ryaninco: The neighbors yard smells like weed. I'm glad those seeds I threw over the fence are starting to grow.
@hasht4g: I'll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
@Book_Krazy: Hub: What time is our movie tonight? Me: 7:30. It's 2 hours 50 minutes Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30 "Back off ladies. He's mine"