My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
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GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
umm…
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls