Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
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Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.