They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
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Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I put the p in pants.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Huge, if true.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house