horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
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That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
succession but with mickey mouse and friends