Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
The first matador
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”