Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
when you are just born a rebel
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.