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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
wut hotdog?
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Jesus steals the winter solstice
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.