@Paul_Eaton1: Putting on a clean pair of underwear everyday is a great way to have seven pair on by the end of the week.
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@thatdutchperson: Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms? Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks* *Spends night making balloon animals
@Renie_Rivas: I've never wanted a mansion. Not because I'm modest- I just don't need more places to lose my keys.
@valerie_tosi: Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.