Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I like long walks away from everyone
Where’s my employee discount too?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
next question.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines