[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
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Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
best first i’ve ever seen
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
New favorite tiktok
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?