putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
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I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Bringing home a sharpie
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls