The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
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It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.