*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
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Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.