My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Good dog. ❤️
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
do what now??
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle