Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.