Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
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I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
can you read it!!??
maan!
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.