Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
The photographer’s assistant
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage