Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
#polloftheday
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Is this a threat?