Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.