“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
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You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.