The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Art by Pastelkatto
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.