Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere