Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
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Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.