Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
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Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.