Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song