*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
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My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Ron is short for Aaronald
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh