*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
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This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.