*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
You Might Also Like
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Every time.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”