Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Europe. Made in Germany.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America