If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
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OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason